Do you sometimes feel like talking to a wall? Like nobody is listening or paying attention? If you wonder how you could speak more powerfully so your kids clean their rooms, your partner takes out the rubbish and your boss considers you for a pay rise, try out the below.

Speak to their VALUES

If a clean & tidy room is NOT important to your daughter she will only resent you for making tidy it up. Think to yourself: ‘What would it take from my side to get my daughter tidy up her room?’ Would she like an hour longer to watch TV? Have an afternoon in the shopping centre with her girlfriends? This is not about bribery, this is about finding what’s important to her, talking in her values and acknowledging an exchange of service. The same works for your husband and the rubbish bin.

DO THIS: an easy way to find out other peoples values is simply to listen. What do they talk about? What’s important to them? Who do they mention?

CONNECT in their preferred way

When it comes to your boss and talking about a pay rise you may want to consider their gender. Women like to be appreciated first – man most often want you to get straight to the point. So with your female boss, create a connection first. Tell her how much you liked what she said in the last meeting about company culture or asked how her son’s theatre play went. Be genuinely interested. Find a common ground to connect with her, heart to heart. For men the opposite is true. Cut straight to the chase and demonstrate with backed-up facts how you delivered this last project under budget saving the company money, not only on this occasion but since you started your role.

DO THIS: make mental notes when your boss or colleagues talk about their life’s to collect genuine conversation starters. Track you successes in an Excel document, that’s motivating for you but also great to have when negotiating.

Step into your POWER

Commanding attention is very different from demanding it. Be aware of the tone of your voice. To build rapport by all means mirror your counterpart but when wanting to be heard turn-up the volume of who you are in assertiveness. Avoid protective words like ‘maybe’ or ‘possibly’. We tend to fall into the temptation to say things like ‘It might be this but to be fair it could as well be that…’. It is much more powerful to take sides when creating impact and say what you REALLY mean. Quit people pleasing, it’s exhausting. Always remember that nobody is perfect but your authenticity will go a long way, even if on occasions people don’t agree with you – they will respect you for being the real you. Today, there are 7.3 billion people on this planet and there is no way you will ever be loved by EVERYONE.

DO THIS: observe yourself, so you will become more aware of situations that are ‘stealing’ your power. Create a list of possible action steps to react differently next time.

Annik Rau, Talent Scout & Founder at Speaker Express Training –